Heart Attack 1977
Baba had been saying
that it was important that he attend the birthday celebrations,, no matter what
the cost, he had to be there. His
presence was vital for the success of the yajna and the yajna had important
consequences for his future work. On
the morning of his birthday May 3rd , l977 Baba warned his doctors
and nurse that this was going to be a very bad day for him. Before he left for the yajna he warned them to have injections and pills ready.
“It was the tensest
hour of my life,” Dr. Thakkur said later, describing some of the important
episodes in Baba’s illness. “First, he
told me that I should watch him carefully, that anything could happen. But then he made me sit up on the yajna
platform with my wife and participate in
the yajna! This is what a Siddha is like.
I have never been so scared! All
the time I was sitting there I was listening, afraid that at any moment Baba
might collapse.”
Typically, Baba had
turned his own crisis into an occasion for one of his devotees to do intense
sadhana. Moreover, even though many of
the devotees had heard the news that Baba was in danger, we all noticed how
good he looked, how strong his voice was, how perfectly he performed all the
ceremonies connected with the yajna, even when they involved physical exertion.
“He wouldn’t let us
take a cardiogram that morning,” Dr. Thakkur said, “I think it was because he knew that if he
let us see what was really going on we would have insisted that he rest. That evening he had some pain. The next morning at 6.l5 we went in to take
his pulse and found that it was double the normal rate. The cardiogram showed that he was having a
major heart attack.
“But the most serious
part of the attack came later in the afternoon when all of a sudden Baba’s
heart beat slowed down to almost nothing.
He remained in that state for 15 minutes, and for a while the doctors
actually thought we had lost him. Then,
quite suddenly Baba opened his eyes and came back to normal consciousness. He looked at us and said, “What are you
doing? I went to see my Baba and he told
me it is not time for me to go yet. Now
go eat your lunch.”
“Since then, except
for minor complications his heart beat has been stable. After the morning episode, two eminent
doctors were called from Bombay. They
came immediately, and have been here ever since, on call for Baba whenever he
should need them. Sophisticated heart
care machines have also been made available for him.”
“Baba really is
controlling everything”. Dr. Thakkur said.
He always knows in advance when there will be trouble, and he lets us
know what the bad times will be. Today
he told us that there would be a minor complication, and there was. But it was definitely minor, and easily
controlled. My opinion is that Baba has
arranged his heart attack for himself.
He said a few weeks ago that if he had one full heart attack, that would
be the end of the angina pain. It has
happened just like that for the last two nights, he has had pain-free sleep for
the first time since all this began in February.
“Don’t think that I
am taking care of Baba. Baba is taking
care of me. For ten days Noni and I sat
up all night in the Nanavati hospital watching the screen of the cardiogram
machine. I should have been tired but I
had more energy than I’ve ever had and people said they never saw me looking so
good. I used to sit there watching the
lines on the machine and feeling so much joy.
Once Noni said, “You must be repeating your mantra in rhythm to the
lines.’ I said, ’No, I’m not repeating
it, it s going on automatically.”
Even
in his critical condition Baba continued to give instructions about the
business of the Ashram. Moreover, one of
his doctors said that sometimes he looks at Baba as he lies on his bed and sees
that Baba keeps making gestures of blessing.
It seems to him that at those times Baba is feeling the anxiety and
concern of his devotees, and that he is reassuring them that really, everything
is going to be fine.
Third World Tour 1980
In spite of
his health problems in India, Baba undertook a Third World Tour . Because of his weakened health, there were
now many people to assist with his work. There were managers to work in the
different ashram around the world, and Swamis had been initiated and trained to
teach and run Intensives and courses.
Baba’s major work was to meet people and to continue to give Shaktipat on a very large
scale. During his visit to Miami, he had
some heart problems and the doctors did surgery and put in a pacemaker to assist
his heart in functioning.
When we
were in Los Angeles for several months word began spreading that Baba was having sexual encounters with some of the young women
students. Several long-term students
were leaving the ashram with stories about hypocrisy, and breakage of vows of celibacy.
At one point I mentioned to Amma, Swami
Prajnananda, with whom I was working closely what was happening and being
said. She relayed this information to
Baba, and within a short time he called me into his room for a discussion.
“What are people saying?” he asked.
I replied that people were saying that he was not a true celibate,
though he advocated celibacy for his students but was behaving
differently. There was particular
concern as some of the girls in question were very young.
Baba said three things in quick succession. Each statement was like a short pithy sutra,
which required a lot of commentary to become clear, or like koans which a
seeker had to investigate repeatedly, using the information given to knock
against the rigidity and hardness in the
mind, until there was some softening of limited conceptual ideas and
consequential breakthrough of genuine understanding on the highest level.
Those three statements were:
1) Would
I be able to give Shaktipat if I were having sex with those girls?
2) Siddha
Swatantra Bhavaha ( simply translated as a Siddha behaves with a freedom that
is beyond normal expectation), and
3) A
snake charmer is not afraid of a snake.
After those
statements to which I made very little response at the time, I was dismissed from his room.
Those statements have been a good platform for my
probing behaviours that from an ordinary perspective were disturbing and
have sadly brought great discredit to Baba’s name via internet
posting. My interpretation of them at
this time is:
1)
Would I be able to give shaktipat
if I was having sex with those girls?
According to the texts it would
not be possible to transmit a powerful shaktipat that gave an experience of the
highest truth if the sexual fluid of a
yogi was not flowing upward. This was a
complicated matter, required suspension of limited understanding and an
in-depth understanding of technicalities of higher yoga tantra.
After we received sannyas
initiation in 1980 Baba had a meeting with our group of newly initiated swamis
and gave us instruction on how to give shaktipat. We were to be sent out to different parts of
the world to do his work, giving intensives and giving shaktipat to people in
that context.
As he was showing us technically
where and how to touch people for the best benefit, he also said, ”You must
be very careful. If your practice is not
strong enough, the bad karmas of the people you give shaktipat to will come in
to you…and that will destroy you.”
That warning has stayed with me,
even though I did in fact give shaktipat transmission as a swami in Intensives
in different parts of the world over the next two years. Each time I would pray intensely to him that
I was just a conduit of his grace, and feel distinctly that it was his energy flowing through me.
After his death, I did not consider for a moment that it was appropriate
to give shaktipat. Over the years,
however, I have observed a couple of students who did give shaktipat as a
feature of their work as meditation teachers.
They seemed to be imitating Baba, yet in close examination it was clear
that their motivation was in fact not altruistic. There seemed to be a great deal of self
serving intention accompanied by very little genuine practice. Two
of those men I observed came down with very mysterious ailments that
debilitated them and they have been unable to recover from. I doubt that they had received that warning
from Baba, or if they had, they chose to
ignore it. And who can say if their ailments were a result of giving shaktipat
without sincere intent or practice. The ways of karma are mysterious…yet
unfailing.
After traumatic and divisive events that occurred
in Siddha Yoga in 1985. I chose to disrobe and depart the unfolding chaos
and fanatical behavior that had swept through the SYDA communities. I was also personally subjected to harassment
for my support of Swami Nityananda
Confronting my own Guru brothers and sisters and
Swamis on the road to Badrinath in l994 and feeling the force of their
murderous intentions as they attempted to drive Guruji’s car and our buses off
of the steep mountain road brought a huge reckoning into my mind and
heart. If they were capable of such
horrific intentions and behaviors, who was to say that I was immune from such extremist
views? I undertook rigorous therapy and
self analysis for years following. I
wanted to dissolve into anonymity and went to study within a Tibetan Buddhist
community.
I also
wanted to practice with Tibetan Buddhist
teachers and focus on the practices that
developed the heart and humanity: compassion, humility, loving kindness. I needed to know that I myself had made headway on eradicating the
potential for anger, hatred and judgment within my own heart.
I spent considerable time studying and practicing
in Nepal, Northern India and Bhutan over the years, choosing to ordain as a nun
in Bhutan because I wanted to return to a life dedicated to sadhana and service
as Baba had indicated emphatically to me that was my destiny. Naturally, because of my many years at Baba’s
feet, everything I took in and learned was filtered through my experience and
the teachings we had received from Baba.
I continually filtered out the cultural superimpositions that were
meaningless to me as a Westerner and my in depth exposure to Indian traditions
and culture.
The manner in which initiation, diksha or
transmission is given in the Tibetan traditions acknowledges the possible
negative effects that can come into the Guru giving the initiations. Students are generally required to purify
themselves through extensive preliminary practices, repetitions of hundreds of
thousands of mantras. They committed to doing the practice on a daily basis, as
well as recite daily a prayer for the master’s long life. These precautions were intended to lessen the
detrimental effects such transmissions could have on the longevity and health of the Gurus.
Understanding
these dynamics I was able to have a much deeper appreciation of the demand and
risk to Baba’s health through his
giving shaktipat on such a mass scale.
By the end of his Third World Tour the numbers in the Intensives were
700-800 and each participant would
expect to be touched personally by Baba.
Baba was 70+, had had serious health conditions related to
his diabetes, a massive heart attack and a pacemaker put in place in Miami. The
demand on Baba’s life force and physical health was enormous. There was no question of students having
purified themselves, whomever paid the
price for the tiny space in the packed Intensive halls had the expectation of
receiving shaktipat.
The l6th Karmapa, who had visited Baba on two
occasions in India and Ann Arbor and with whom Baba had a very loving and warm
relationship was a very high level master in the Tibetan tradition. He died in a hospital in Chicago in
1982. Prior to his death, it was reported
that his body would manifest symptoms of a particular life threatening
condition. The doctors would rush to try
to reduce the severity of the condition and save his life, and then mysteriously the whole condition
would recede. Again shortly thereafter
he would display symptoms of yet another life threatening illness.
According
to the reports, this happened several times.
The attending doctors and nurses were utterly mystified at this, they
had never seen anything like this previously.
Some of his close disciples who were attending him closely told them
that His Holiness had taken on the karmas of many disciples over the years, and
those condtions were manifesting themselves in his body in this manner. Yet it was also observed that the Karmapa seemed
to have no concern for his own condition or welfare, but showed great concern
for the attending physicians, nurses and staff.
2. Siddha Swatantra Bhavaha. A Siddha is
beyond the conventions of ordinary society.
Baba used to give examples of his own Guru
Bhagawan Nityananda, and of Zippruanna, and Hari Giri Baba, all of whom behaved
in ways at times very difficult to
understand, yet the ultimate benefit and outcome to those around them was
undeniable.
In Bhutan
one of the patron saints is known as Drukpa Kunley. His life stories depict repeated episodes
wherein he would interact with women
spontaneously, apparently having sex with
them as a vehicle of blessings and transmissions. Drukpa Kunley was one of those unorthodox and subversive
tantric teachers who constantly broke the rules of convention and
"everyday morals" to lead his followers in a sort of shock therapy
into the spiritual dimension behind the accepted and fixed rules and religious rituals.
One Bhutanese Rinpoche told a story of this
particular yogi, intending to illustrate
how such masters acted spontaneously for the benefit of others. He described a scene where the master was
walking through a hillside village with one of his disciples. “Wait here one moment,” he said to his
student. He then jumped into the window
of a nearby house and had sex with a women inside. When he returned he said to his student,” One
of my disciples was about to incarnate into the body of a cow, and I had to
save him.”
This
story was told to us as an example of spontaneous compassionate action. However the
western women in the audience immediately erupted and said, “What about the
woman? That was rape.” The teacher was
very taken aback-- consideration of the
woman’s experience obviously had never
entered his mind. I found consistently
within those cultures it was simply assumed
the women were quietly complicit and honoured to be party to the yogi’s
beneficial work. This highlights some of the deep cultural
disparities that occur regarding
gender inequality and
sexual behaviors.
3.) A snake charmer is not afraid of the snake.
As I was living with and often attending some of
the tantric masters and Rinpoches of
Tibet and Bhutan I observed much that helped me greatly
in understanding the tantric
influence inherent in the path Baba set forth: awakening of the inner energies
of Kundalini. It is the sexual energy that is transmuted and utilized in such
initiations, therefore the details about these have always been veiled in secrecy. Great potential for misunderstanding and
abuse lay in these areas of tantric initiations and practice.
I also
began to observe behaviors towards women that held beliefs that Western
practitioners find basically abhorrent.
Within most of the Asian cultures, including India, Tibet, Bhutan,
Thailand, women are subservient to men,
the slightest glint of equality is simply not even allowed to arise. Women are the property of the men, and thus
utterly compliant.
Along with
this was the prevailing belief that the vital
energies of young women are essential
for aging masters to help restore their flagging vitality. In the Tibetan tradition, when a master began
to experience health problems, even if he was a monk, he would move outside of
the monastery itself, taking a young consort.
There was a firm belief that this would extend his life. In time those women became recognized as
great practitioners themselves through their service to their husbands.
From observing and understanding this I was able
to comprehend why Baba had began to undertake interactions with young women
close to him. Technically speaking for
an urdvareta, or a tantric master in the Tibetan tradition as well, there
should never be emission of semen. That
is what constitutes celibacy for such an adept yogi. Interactions with females for the purpose of
testing or strengthening the inner
transmuted energy. did not equate to breaking celibacy. It was in fact how the yogis would increase
their stores of the powerful transmuted energy which could then be utilized in
their work.
Reports that I personally heard were that Baba did
not have any kind of erection, that there was no penetration, and no emission
of semen. It was repeatedly described as
not sex in a normal sense. Yet for young
women who may have not been previously
sexually active, there was simply no other way to understand Baba’s
behavior with them. Had Baba been able
to speak English and explain to them that he was seeing them as a living
manifestation of the divine shakti, Kundalini energy that he needed to increase
in his own system in order to be able to give shaktipat to others, would it
have made a difference? Other girls
loved every moment of their encounters with Baba as filled with love, blessings
and powerful spiritual energy, again describing them as not being sex in any
ordinary sense. Several told me that
their own sexual energy was purified and refined as a result.
It seemed
apparent to all of us ex-swamis and other close disciples of Baba that he
undertook these interactions in an attempt to maintain the strength of the
energy needed to meet the demands of
the students who were intensely craving for spiritual awakening. He was able to maintain his levels of inner energy, through the
contact with the young women, transmute that through his yogic powers and
continue to give shaktipat, despite the considerable weakening of his own
physical condition.
Despite any ill effects to his health Baba continued to give shaktipat. He did so with great compassion and belief
that only through inner awakening would people come to experience genuine
happiness. There was no question of
people undergoing any kind of preparation or purification which is known to
reduce danger to the teacher’s
health. Whomever signed up for the
Intensive received Baba’s touch. There
were 800 – 1,000 people in Intensives in Fallsburg the last summer.
Towards the end of the tour and the last summer in
the Fallsburg ashram Baba made a shock announcement at the conclusion of his
Guru Purnima address. He called Swami
Nityananda forward, placed a garland around his neck and declared, “This man
will be my successor.” That announcement
brought reverberations of surprise and recognition that Baba himself was
preparing to conclude his work, and his life. As the attention of the large
audience turned to Nityananda, Baba quietly walked out of the hall. As he did so he appeared tired and somewhat
frail. It dawned upon us all that his
life may soon be coming to an end.
Baba returned to India and continued on with
preparations for the Pattabhishek, the transferring of the power to Swami
Nityananda and Swami Chidvilasananda whom he designated would be co-successors.
After that occasion he also began to withdraw from a lot of public interaction,
sitting silently in the darshan
line. He commented to those close to him,
“I am happy to talk to children and the dogs.
People are so unkind to each other, they just want to complain and
criticize.”
In the months prior to his taking mahasamadhi. Baba continued to give shaktipat . The small room
in the center of the meditation room adjacent to his quarters had been
demolished. Only those close to him knew
he had directed this in order to prepare for his Samadhi shrine. It had
been turned into a large meditation
room. Somehow the word got out, though it was not public at all that Baba was
giving shaktipat in that room during the Shiva Mahimna chant. People went in clamoring for the receipt of
his grace.
I went in
one evening and was overwhelmed by the level of intense emotion on the part of
the people who were wanting to receive shaktipat from Baba. The
room was thick with emotional fervor.
Baba went around in what was a totally dark room and touched people in
different ways. Some reported that he was hitting them with his foot at the
base of their spine, others that he was blowing into their noses with his own
breath, or repeating a mantra into their ear.
I actually felt a bit uncomfortable in that room. I felt I had received
so much from Baba over the years, it was almost indecent for me to be in this
atmosphere of intense grasping.
I learned later that Baba had several young girls
attending to him during that time, he would go into his adjacent room, have
various interactions of an apparent sexual nature, and then return to the
seething room to give shaktipat.
I never returned, and shortly thereafter returned
to Australia, only to be advised in a couple of months that Baba had succumbed
to a major heart attack.
